Severe asthma and emphysema.

He was telling me numbers. The results of the testing they had done and for once I did not cheat in hopes of gaining a better result. For the test they got me as I was. So the numbers he was reading off to me must be correct. For once.

I honestly had no clue what all the numbers meant and anything he said was lost as soon as he uttered those words, "and you have emphysema." Again, more numbers to back this diagnosis up and wanting to know where and my last chest x-rays were done. My head was simply buzzing as I told him I just had chest x-rays to rule out pnuemonia.

I didn't ask him about the emphysema I just spit out.. "But I quit smoking! At least 12 to 13 years ago." It was for my oldest grandaughter as she lived with her other grandparents and they said she couldn't come to our house because we smoke. She was a maybe a year old.. barely walking. Then it was because we USED to smoke.. then it was because we did not have CENTRAL air conditioning and we knew it mattered little what we did for our grandaughter, we weren't going to see her.

But, if I knew how old she was I could tell you a more definitive date that we quit smoking. I THOUGHT I'd even be healthy and thankfully bypass all the ill effects of smoking. I don't know how many years I was smoking though I do remember when it started. My biological mother, whom I don't call mother, thought it was cute because as a young child, wanting to be like her I would want a "puff" of her cigarette. Eventually she skipped the puff and let me, barely out of kindergarten, have whole cigarettes with her. I vividly remember that. So.. is that when I started? I wasn't much of a habitual smoker because she was evil enough to let you have enough to want, to need another then make you stop.. and start again.

Or, is it when I just started without her help? It doesn't matter, all that matters is that for a little girl coupled with my own health that I wanted to KEEP, I quit. I told the doctor I can't have it, I quit so long ago. He said I was lucky I quit when I did. Then, as my heart raced in my chest, I finally asked him .. and I'm not positive which, it was either IF or When I was going to die.

IF I hadn't had a million thoughts scrambling in my head faster than I could sort them I might have found the look on his face comical. He licked his lips just once and said, "Well, we are all going to die." Oh, God.. Please... why did I quit only to.. die?? Why did I try to do the right thing, no matter how late..only to die? And then he finally said it.. I swear it took an hour! "You are not dying....more unfamiliar numbers" those numbers lost in the immense relief I felt. I tried to explain that I had always been told that emphysema is a death sentence. I didn't mince words.

I even made him stop and told him I have spinal cord injury, the nature of which had it been left any longer would have paralyzed my diaghram. Maybe that's it and NOT emphysema!! He assured me, I have full use of my lungs, fortunately they did stop the progression of paralysis. I just can't get the air out of my lungs.. well.. yeah.. this has been normal for me!! Now.. it's .. a disease??

He assured me I wasn't dying again and gave me prescriptions for the asthma. I asked him how I could be this old and nobody know I have asthma? He said I had sadly never been correctly diagnosed or followed through on the one time I was told I have asthma. That one time my ex husband told me that was B.S. I don't have asthma. Given he had it as a kid I figured he knew. And to be honest I felt like I was treading on his space. Did I ever have a hard time breathing? Sure but it must be normal. Afterall.. someone would have figured it out. Besides, coffee worked for the most part.

I have since learned from my ex's brother that all he remembers is hearing my ex had asthma and he was out of breath a couple of times but that is not asthma. At least, not like what he sees me struggle with.

I have had a whole cardio exam a couple years ago. Then, as now, I had anemia and it apparently takes it's toll on your heart. Then, I was apparently dehydrated which thickened the blood my heart was trying to pump. Winter time I'm terrible at drinking water!! Not even then was it found because so much other stuff was going on.

He asked me if I had any questions.. this whole thing must have taken five minutes. I could not form a question at the time. Not while I stood there in his office. I couldn't think. He had pamphlets for everything under the sun but he gave me one for sleep apnea. He would like me to be checked for that. Sleep.. apnea?? Right now that's the least of my concerns.

1.8 Million earmarked to research pig odor. Now, I can see why people in Iowa that are currently miserable due to this problem might be pleased but I'd love to see them explain it to the myriad of people currently losing their homes. People that would be grateful for a roof over their heads no matter how badly it smelled.

Again, we have choices.. In a growing nation there are people making a living raising pigs. This profit in the end helps the community. People in general have a choice. They could move though I do see how that is a bad choice at this time.

I just don't see how the government spending money on this topic is far more relevant than some of the other issues going on. Doesn't AIG need that money more to throw away? Oh.. wait.. I didn't say that out loud did I??

It seems to me there was, several years ago, a research project on cow flatulence but I believe that was how it affected the enviornment, global warming and such but lets stretch this a bit. The findings, as I recall, were that cows eat, they fart they stink. There was nothing they could do to change that.

We eat, we fart we stink.. Pigs eat, they fart, they stink and I know they are worse but let me save the government alot of money.. either, tell people they can't grow pigs, and we consumers cannot eat pork because we don't want to spend the money to research how to control the odor. Be damned your Christmas ham! OR.. quit spending money on waste because to me... wasting the tax payer's dollars stinks worse than a pig ever could.

I am not sure if I'm ready to return yet but I do have to say this.

The stock market has plunged to what.. a 12 year low? This means.. it has done this before. Many times before. This means, yes we lost money but it was money gained during a boon and at what point are you losing the money you yourself put into an account as oppossed to interest or other gains?

I can't claim to know for certain on all types of accounts as I'm not an accountant however, I have a CD for emergency reasons. I noticed that it had raised to $12 per quarter being raised, then drastically raised to $80 and is back down to what I had been quite content with originally. Would I like it to go back up and earn that $80 per quarter? Sure. Will I die if it doesn't? Nope but I believe it will if I'm patient!

As for our retirement accounts. They weren't huge yet. They got smaller still and the worst ones are AIG related. Surprise? Otherwise, that again is a risk and best handled by realizing.. this happened before. Do I think the government needs to keep bailing out AIG because I have accounts there through the bank? NO! I think the government needs to let what happen... happen. Don't make the bleeding become only a trickle because it's still bleeding. Put them in a position to re-evaluate what they are doing and how they are doing and correct it. Get rid of the problem people. STOP throwing good money after bad. If one of my kids is wasting money I'm going eventually cut him off. I expect that out of our bankers, lenders and government.

I am not so sure the government should get involved but I believe I've addressed that before. I would just like to see all of it be allowed to hit bottom so we can begin the healing of us, and our wallets.

I understand how this may have started.. bad loans, mortgages and the like. But don't simply blame the banks and lenders. Of course they do have burden to bear in this mess for giving out loans they shouldn't have done but PLEASE, lets also hold accountable those that aren't smart enough to research what they are getting into. If you don't hold EVERYONE accountable it will never be fixed. There will merely be a bandaid and the wound will open again.

Unemployment is at an alarming, all time low. Don't get me wrong, I don't want anyone that wants to work to lose their job. But I've all this time thought unemployment averaged about 9%. Higher than it actually is at the current time. And do these numbers include people working under the table and not paying taxes?

But my biggest question is.. how much of this is fear fueled by hearing about it on the news every day? How much faster would we turn this around if everyone quit talking about it... uhm.. probably to include me. Yes, times are hard. Some cut backs a normal business can or would make we don't make.. some we do. We still cling to staying in business but I'm not as afraid as I was when I listened to the news every day. What a world of difference it has made.

I feel a need to withdraw to myself.. take a break other than needed Kiddo additions.

Apparently, in Washington D.C., they, like so many other places are feeling the financial crunch. Libraries are cutting hours and schools are cutting their budgets. Nothing new or different from any other town, city in the United States but what makes this newsworthy is what has been planned for a community park in this time of financial insecurity.

It seems there is a park and in one area there is the expected playground for children and, I happen to think this is cool... a garden, vegetable garden I believe. How cool is that? But in a grassy area someone, I am not sure, has deemed it necessary to put in a dog park.

The man I saw on television seemed to have a rather cavalier attitude on the funding of this. The money is apparently not tax payer money, as I remember it, it is civic money? As in, I am assuming money raised by the community, for the community. I guess people shouldn't be upset by this? That's the feeling I walked away with after only part of the story.

I can explain the perplexing part of this story. Schools are cutting back, dog park being built. Library cutting back.. dog park being built. Schools and libraries benefit our children, the future leaders of our country. Parents do not care where the money comes from but if you have extra you give it where it is most needed, back to the community in a manner that continues to encourage the growth and education of our youth. With SURPLUS we can build a dog park.

Of course, if I happen to have extra money in the bank it doesn't go toward a luxury item for the dog. Sure, it's my money to spend it the way I want to but when I have a child or grandchild struggling, I do believe I'll take care of the child first.

I love dogs. I wouldn't own one in a very small house unless I had a very small dog. So I guess I wouldn't need a dog park. Part of owning a pet is being responsible and I suppose a dog park might be a good idea but fund it solely by dog owners or other donations that feel that this is needed.

If you have enough money in your coffers to fund a dog park during these difficult economic times then DONATE it to a school. Help those children who deserve the best. It doesn't matter if the government pays for education, if your community has extra they can still donate it. Then, when the times are plenty, when making budget cuts in schools and libraries is not needed, that's when you build a dog park.

In the meantime, lets put our children first on our list of priorities and then the dogs.

Bank lost a $9,800.00 deposit of mine. I am fuming. If you read below you will see I vehemently say I do not have asthma yet I was calling my son to bring me the inhaler to the bank cause I couldn't breath. I was for the first time in months very happy because I could pay bills without taking more money from the home equity line of credit which is about sapped. And it's... just... gone.

The Kiddo isn't sick but my son found out whatever it was she had, the mother took her to a house that five adults have it?? I am not entirely sure about that... but alot had it and only the Kiddo and another adult actually got sick. The rest just got nauseous. Today my son is.. apparently SICK.

He tried to go to work, my other son came and the sick one drove to a shop we work with about sixty miles away. I am not sure if he got told to stay at the shop or what but he didn't continue on to the job site. They do have a way of going to work even when they are sick and my husband has had to tell my son to go lay down in the truck, stop working .. The last time he was falling asleep while trying to run a saw.

Anyway, my husband who is not my nubby.. ( must see Twitter to understand... ) called the shop and my son was no where to be found. Not in she shop, not in the truck.. nowhere. Oh great, so now he's sick and missing. A few hours later my husband got a phone call... they found my son. Apparently he didn't want to go into the shop and be sick so he went to the end of the building in the woods. Someone has chased him somewhere to sleep and he's no longer lost.

My husband was going to take me out to dinner tonight for Valentine's Day. Beat the rush. But I think we'll keep the Kiddo instead so my son can go home and sleep this off. And pray neither one of us get sick till after tomorrow afternoon. Tomorrow we have an appointment with the man that does our taxes. That's not an appointment you want to miss!

The bank hasn't called yet. I NEED to pay bills. They haven't even offered to cover the bills.. at least in the amount they've lost. The teller could almost read off the amounts each check was for. They KNOW I put the money in their bank. The receipt is done right, so at least do something so I can cover my bank account and not have anything bounce. If it's not fixed or a guarantee of them covering my checks at least up to the amount I've deposited, then I will change banks. I had already started to consider it as I have heard Capital One is taking over our bank.

My son had one of their cards and they charged him money to ask a question.. The only dealings I had with them were trying to get his card canceled for him because they didn't do it and they had approved my granddaughter for a credit card. This is a different one and she was six at the time and resided with us. They would not let me have her removed from their list because SHE had to do it. They, of course would not speak to a minor. As you may understand this company has already turned me off.

There is more but some of what has gone on I'm not at all ready to speak of.. but, if I'm scarce as of late.. this is why. Too much is going on at one time... When it rains it pours. But really I don't need a flood!!

You know you are getting old when you sign on and write about your physical! But it's not the physical that is a problem. There are moments when I feel bad for my doctor. He lucked out to have such a good (insert a sarcastic cough here.) patient as me!

Cholesterol is high.. yeah, yeah.. just kill me and say... "Cut out the Starbucks!" Won't happen. Okay maybe it will... some. We need to save the money anyway.

I'm anemic again and can't take iron. So.. I have to eat the very foods the doctor wants me to cut out! You know, red meat and I forgot what else but, eh.. Starbucks doesn't help the anemia.

Then came the topic of asthma. No, I do not have asthma just ask me and I'll tell you this! But, I shouldn't still use the inhaler thing unless I'm having a problem with breathing. So, like a dummy I am going to try and help explain away my case.. I only have a hard time breathing when I have a cold, or during allergy season or if it's very cold outside. I left off stress which I've been under a HUGE amount of lately or humid weather. Pretty much all the time it sounds like. It would also explain why my face; particularly around my lips feel numb. Now, it made sense to me that EVERYONE has a hard time breathing during cold weather, colds, etc.. Otherwise, I'm fine. So, since everyone must suffer this I am simply .. normal.

I know that sounds terrible but I've been told I probably have asthma nearly 20 years ago and nobody felt a need to follow up on this. So, for 20 years whatever it is I've figured for the most part alot of coffee fixes it.. (Oh wait!! Don't turn my back on the Starbucks so fast!!! It's HEALTHY for me!) I figured all people must have the same thing going on because it was so easily dismissed by the physicians before.

Now, I am afraid to follow up on this. I will though but I feel like I'm sitting under a hammer waiting for it to fall. If I have asthma.. along with the other things, when will the insurance turn me off? And I've tried to apply for different insurance because ours is so expensive. Our medical insurance is more than our house payment for just two of us. But guess what? If you are in need of medical insurance you get turned away.

So, in short, I have to cut out red meat and the sort for cholesterol. I have to eat red meat and the sort to correct the anemia and insurance be damned, I need to make sure I don't have asthma. I have two more appointments with him, and two appointments to make with other doctors.. Damn, I thought I was healthy when I woke up!!!

There are no rules!! I like anything with no rules! The link to Unconscience Mutterings can be found to the left in the Diversions section. Simply replace my words with your words.. there are no right or wrong answers

1. Cups :: Coffee!! Lots of coffee.
2. Brilliant :: The sun.. or maybe Las Vegas lights.. one is natural one is bling.
3. Disobey :: I will disobey alot of people but never God. Well.. lets be honest............I try not to disobey God.
4. Abstain :: I have four kids.. you don't think I practiced this much do you?
5. Daily :: Routine, rut, boring.
6. You make me :: giggle!
7. Hurl :: Jose Cuervo apparently wasn't as good a friend as I thought!
8. Intensify :: Deepen, tighten.
9. Fuck! :: Not with you!
10. Race :: Something I simply cannot do anymore..

I was out walking with my 4-year-old Grand daughter. She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and asked her not to do that.

'Why?' my Granddaughter asked.

'Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs,' I replied.

At this point, my Granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.'

I was thinking quickly. 'All Grandmas know this stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma,' I answered. We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

'Oh.....I get it!' she beamed. 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa.'

'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face.

When you're finished laughing, send this to another Grandma!!