I don't know why I posted that last post. That is something I am basically ashamed of and told only ... one. I am sorry.. I can only say that it's just been a very, very bad few days and I'm not sure which was the final straw.. he in prison or Crystal at my daughter's halloween party or the kiddo's behavior suddenly taking a spiral backwards.
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Thirty five years ago tomorrow I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Well, he was doubly beautiful to me because I almost died. When I did wake up I thought he was dead. Perhaps the rocky start should have been considered an omen.

I loved my husband at the time; my first husband. When we married I was not aware just exactly how involved in drugs and drinking he was. Love is either pretty darned blind or he hid it very well. It wasn't until after the wedding when people showed up with drugs for wedding gifts did I begin to have a clue the rocky road I was about to walk down. But, as I stood in the bathroom door watching his friends shoot speed into the veins of my passed out husband in hopes of rousing him for his honeymoon did I begin to get a taste of just what I'd gotten involved with by marrying this man.

This first night was my first step down this path when they had me tie him off so they could try and get something in him to counter act the reds they'd done. Before this marriage was done it would delve into a heroine addiction. I, on the other hand, remained untouched by all his drugs.

So I told myself at any rate. How can one that is ever vigilant and trying to keep him from going just a wee bit too far and die claim to be untouched? How can a young, young woman that sat there and watched as her husband did nearly die of a heroine overdose consider herself untouched? I can't.

But.. I married him, I loved him .. the straight man.. and I was head strong and determined that somehow we'd make it through this. This man that would never lay a hand on me if he was straight and sober beat me. Twice. He didn't get a third chance.

When it was discovered that I was pregnant, something I was told would never happen, he tried to turn his life around. He took me to meet his aunt and his mother. His aunt was such a wonderful.. wonderful person. The baby was born and the three of us were happy but it was short lived.

His addictions would draw him back in and when the baby was eight months old, we were at home, the baby and I, with no food for him or food for the baby. I tried desperately to find something from a neighbor, to appease him with water because Daddy got paid today baby.. he'll come home and go get food.

He didn't come home but thankfully my neighbor did. My husband and his paycheck partied at the bar and that was the last we were together. I'd walk this path along his side but as soon as it affected my son this way I had to make a choice. I made a choice for my son to live a good life.

I thought.

I married a man, he adopted my son and life moved on. As the years passed I was again tip toe'ing down that same path I was before. Sure, heroine wasn't involved but does it matter if the substance is alcohol or drugs? An addiction is an addiction. No, he didn't beat me but I'd have rather been beat than told I was stupid and brain dead. I'd rather have been beat than to start to live every day with the guilt that I took this boy from his biological father, even his father agreed this adoption would be best for him and my son was still raised by a drunk. We could have stayed with his dad.. he could have still been his dad's son, still carry his dad's name (he was named after his father when he was born but that was changed when he was adopted.)

They say the third time is a charm and I am, for once living peacefully and with no substances of any kind tearing apart my marriage. He spoils me and I love him for it. He does all those things for me that I didn't get to do in life. Simple things like lights around the house for Christmas.

My son was 18 and moved out by the time my husband and I got together. He was angry at me for a very, very long time. I am his mother I shouldn't have left my marriage. He never got to see how happy I was because he carried that chip on his shoulder. By the time he started to forgive me enough to let me in his life again it was too late for him. He had a wife and divorced her, he had children and this wife drove him crazy. He'd call me in tears because things were simply too crazy.

Then, at some point, and I'm speculating from things he's said.. his daughter was the perfect image of his wife. But, she was different. He fell in love with his daughter. This is what he says. Six counts of rape have landed him in prison for twelve years. I've cried for days and I cry today too because tomorrow is his birthday. He called me today. Not even my husband believes he's actually done this. Sure, he admitted to it but his wife has made it a point to assure me that..

He did NOT rape his daughter. His daughter said he did not do this. She said it at first because she and her dad where having an argument and she knew, because this has happened to her before, that this would get him into trouble and shut him up. The ex wife also said he made his daughter take a pregnancy test but my son can't have any more kids... there would be no need for that if it was him. Because if one were to go by his admission he was doing this in my house, in my son's house (with the Kiddo) and my other son's house. Plus, there was a time he lived with his friend. And yet, nobody ever saw even the slightest, smallest wierd thing.. not even a wierd look between the two. There was no admission of guilt until, according to the ex wife, the police were starting to investigate her and she told him to fix this. Suddenly he's admitted he raped his daughter and the cops back off of her. The ex wife's boyfriend called me in hopes to contact him and make sure he did not go through with this admission. But.. it was too late. He turned himself. And then I saw a wierd picture of his daughter and his son looking .. uhm. Friendly. Is my son protecting his own son? That sounds like something he'd do.

In the end it doesn't matter. My son will always be registered as a sex offender. I will celebrate his birthdays with an aching heart because he's in prison and I can't see him. Because I wish I could hate him. I wish I could believe he did this and hate him or believe without question that he did not do this.

For a time I was better. For a time I had begun to not think of him every day. Today he called because tomorrow is his birthday. On his birthday he won't be able to get to the phone till late at night so he called today.

And..I.. forgot to send him a card.

So this morning she came downstairs and was talking about last night and not getting to go trick or treating. I told her that probably none of her friends got to go to her aunt's house to a party and see their aunt dressed as a dead bride.
She was an angel!

Uh.. okay!

But, I reminded her that she got to go see her other grandmother last night too. No we didn't. My mom didn't want to go.

I don't know why, other than it was the natural flow to the conversation but I should have known better than to ask. "why?" cause I don't always like the answer.

Her mom didn't want to go there because they had been arguing.

I feel profoundly bad for the Kiddo and her grandmother. No matter how many children come to your door it's still your own family you hope to see and the Kiddo never came. I can't imagine why my son didn't put his foot down other than... the mother was arguing with my son, "screaming" is actually how he worded it. So once appeased so that she'd spend the holiday with her daughter.. he probably wasn't going to take on that screaming again.

Why was she at MY daughter's house last night, following me around when she couldn't take ten minutes for her own mother?

My daughter lives about an hour and a half away or so. She always has Halloween parties but we aren't ever able to go. This year, Halloween was on Saturday so we debated going.. in fact, we could go and bring the Kiddo home with us to spend the night and her dad could have some free time with adults.

Then things changed and he wasn't going, and my husband worked today and has to work tomorrow. He would go if I wanted to go .. but I knew he didn't want to go so I figured no.. don't go.

THEN.. my son calls in a really, really bad mood. Seems he is going to his sister's house after all cause he has GOT to get away from the Kiddo's mom. She keeps screaming at him. I told him to quit answering the phone but it was him making the calls TRYING to include her in Halloween but apparently it was becoming a huge argument.

So, my husband figured we'd go .. and let him have some much needed time with non screaming adults. We ditch the candy, no trick or treaters were coming so we left. My daughter is dressed like a bride but a dead one. As if someone slashed her mouth from ear to ear and stitched it up. It looked like a bizarre smile. At one point her significant other said, "Honey, I'm sorry I cut your mouth like that." Daughter did not bat an eye just looked at him very apologetically and said, "I'm sorry I talked too much."

Now back to my son, he showed up with the Kiddo and she had her hair in a pony tail. I was going to make a joke but I prefaced it with "did you do this?" "No, she did." I THOUGHT he meant the Kiddo but when I looked up.. the mother was there.

My heart just sunk. I couldn't even come to my daughter's house and have a good time.

She hovered as if we were the best of friends. It was my daughter's home I didn't want to be rude. I kept trying to walk away, I really did. In fact, my grandson was introducing me to his girlfriend and I just suddenly... took off and left HIS room because she came in as if she belonged.

My husband and M.. my daughter's significant other.. apparently were even laughing as they watched me trying to leave so there'd be no issue at this party. But at some point I was stuck. She started talking about the Kiddo being wired up because she ate three cup cakes.

Have I said before that when I'm in a situation where I don't know what to say because it's not very nice so I should keep my mouth shut, then I'm suddenly lost and don't know what to say? Oh.. yeah, the teacher. I found myself once again in one of those awkward situations, I don't have anything nice to say so.. as my dad taught me, I don't want to say anything at all but I'm stuck now.

I'll be civil. I'll smile. Yes, I know it's a pasted on smile but I'm not telling her to get away and not knowing what to say, I simply said.. "I thought you were watching her!" She tried to explain how she was sneaky. I was puzzled. This child has never snuck anything. She asks for it. Then if I say no she has a temper tantrum but she doesn't sneak.

Of course the mother looked away for just a second and the next thing she knew the Kiddo had her third cup cake in her mouth. Uhm.. you were outside! But I didn't say it. I had that smile and said "it's not any problem for you because she's coming home with us." I was thinking, because I KNEW she wasn't watching her, that it didn't matter to the mother cause the Kiddo wasn't going home with her. So if the kiddo was spastic it wasn't her issue.

Then she started on how she was upset because of some wierd stuff that seems like it's not terribly true about work and not being able to make it to the Kiddo's yellow belt test. Yet all I can think of is, "You don't mind snubbing the laws and the police by driving on a suspended license .. so.. why not snub your boss for your daughter?" But, really, I know most times arrangements can be made for an hour to see her daughter do this.

In the middle of this conversation that I didn't want to have because really.. the whole thing is show. She's being a good mother for those minutes she thinks I'm watching but a good mother is a mother every minute of every day. Period. So, in the midst of this conversation that won't seem to quit I can only picture this smile I'm trying to pull off.. and I can picture myself looking like my daughter's smile in her costume. I wanted to giggle. I wanted to tell this girl she had no real business here. And when my grandson went into the fridge and she was leaning over the top of the fridge door and inspecting the contents of the fridge I wanted to tell her to quit being nosey. All the food and drinks were out in plain sight. Instead I asked her if she needed something and she said she was just looking.

Again I tried to smile that friendly smile but all I could picture was my own face looking like my daughter's. The smile was fake. The smile alone said, 'Go away, I don't like you, the sound of your whiney voice makes me want to scream.' It didn't matter how hard I tried to make it look like I was comfortable in all this.

My husband said it was awful. He couldn't believe I was doing this. He was sure any moment this girl would figure out that I was mocking her. But I wasn't trying to mock her. I wanted only to be civil and hope she went away. But she didn't go away. She kept coming back and I knew if I didn't keep up with the fake smile that was beginning to make me want to giggle but if I didn't keep it up the words, "Go away you stupid bitch!" would have come out of my lips.

My husband said I said that many times over without saying those actual words.. but I was TRYING to be nice.

I tried.. I really tried to be nice but perhaps it's simply been much to much for me to even pull it off. Too much of seeing my son upset, Waayy too much of seeing what the effects of this woman has had on my grandaughter.. or should I say.. LACK of.. Or maybe it was her last stunt of coming to my house drunk and trying to get me to lure my son back to her, and get me to help her be a better mother so my son didn't try to take custody of his daughter. Maybe it's knowing ALL of us of helped her and it didn't do any good.

Or perhaps it's knowing she doesn't have a license and drove the hour and a half to my daughter's house. Maybe it's walking out and seeing her pose for a picture with a soda bottle in her hand when I saw her get a beer. When my son, who was taking the picture, said he messed it up she walked over to him and when she moved I saw the beer bottle sitting there on the floor. Don't be fake. If you're going to drink beer then pose with the beer.. it's the lies. It's not feeling comfortable not even in my own family's home.

She thanked me for keeping the Kiddo for them. "I did it for my son and for her." I was done. I couldn't even summon the fake smile. I'm his mother.. I worry about him and what she'll do to him and his daughter. But I had to leave. I had to get some honesty back in my life because a fake smile, no matter how bizaare you imagine it is still an ugly thing to wear.

A fake smile is, by it's very nature, a lie and I hate lying.

Halloween.. I still don't know what the Kiddo is going to be for Halloween but her dad said they would be here later this evening.

But, today isn't just about Halloween.. at least for her. She tested out on her yellow belt. The instructor was given 7 or 8 students to test today but this time they were all different belts! This translated into a combination of a very long class and alot of down time for her. She didn't behave through the whole class but at the end of class the instructor told her she needed to put all that playing and all those little things she thinks of in a box. This box she needs to keep at home so she can dance and play at home all she wants but focus in Tae Kwon Doh.

But in the end she did pass her test for yellow belt and the instructor needs a special belt for him. She was not the worst behaved in this group of children that he's trying to test. It was hard for him and I REALLY, REALLY hope this instructor stays on. There is a chance he might not.

Anyway, it finally let out and my son, who left his phone in the car so it wouldn't disturb the class, picked it up and called someone.. you know who. He got voice mail and left this message, "I left my phone in my mom's car but I think it's pathetic you couldn't make it." and hung up. Nothing more.

Chances are he will be here with the mother to trick or treat.. my husband doesn't want her here. Ever. She's not someone we trust. He's been around too many drug addicts to not trust anyone around the house or where those things that we make a living with are here.. and trust me.. this includes his own children. He won't change that just because others think it's fair to the Kiddo.

My daughter is having a halloween party and I'd like to go but kids will be trick or treating and she lives an hour and a half away.. We can't be in two places at one time. I'd rather be at her house!!! To those that come here and read these regular updates.. I do so hope you have a happy halloween. It's just not the same to me anymore. I miss having my kids here and making costumes, trick or treating and making jack o lanterns. I miss all of that!

Pardon the terribly bad grammer in my last post. I just wanted to tell someone to ALWAYS post what's on her mind or what she wants to share. We don't have to agree with it or like it.

That said.. I must share something. My son was off work early so he went to pick the Kiddo up after school. He brings her hear and we help her with homework, she changes for Tae Kwon Do and they leave.

Normally.

Today when they came here after school a little arm poked into my office holding a rose out for me. Her dad had gone to buy ones for Halloween but those were over 20 bucks so he got one for me and one for each of his sisters that was still in keeping with fall colors.

I can't begin to explain how good this made me feel..

And

Other than two times when she had bad moments at the END of the day she's had a whole month of green days!! A .. Month! She has her days but but she's done awesome in school.

Laura, You took quite an odd hit today on Face Book.. as for me when you posted about deleting people.. had I known it was people for games only .. I'd have kept my mouth shut. But I know first hand that often I meander away due to work or illness, mostly family. I'd be very sad if I came back and couldn't find you!! So, I imagine those that are quiet would be the same way if they suddenly lost touch with you... and I didn't want you to ever delete someone and find out it was a mistake cause as you might have figured... people get their feelings hurt then ask questions later. And those questions are always asked of the wrong people.. I just didn't want you to do something you might regret..

In the end though, it is YOUR Face Book and YOUR friend list. I just was adding my own two cents worth! You can always take what I say or leave but really.. we all know if I speak it.. it must be gospel, right? (( Try not to choke on my exaggeration!!))

Your Obama thing.. it was a joke and should have been taken that way. But any time you post ANYTHING .. just know it has the potential to upset someone. But a joke you liked, your own thoughts, your plans.. anythng, .. it is what makes you.. special.

In fact, it's what makes us all special. We are all different and all think differently. We accept each other at face value. None of us filled out forms to pick and choose our friends.. we take them at face value and love them despite what we may or may not agree on. We agree to disagree cause we're friends.. cause we are tolerant of each other.

Anyway, don't let those that disagree with you get you down.. it would be a might boring world if we all agreed, wouldn't it?
Love ya.. and Friday too!

I pass this man every time we go to the grocery store. The first couple times I saw him there was a twinge of guilt because I wasn't stopping to hand him money. As of late we've managed to keep our business afloat even if we're not making money right now. However, surely I could come up with a buck or two right?

Then the guilt would worsen when I had a moment of honesty. I've known a person who wouldn't take what he said he would. He'd work, food but not money.. yet when someone saw this young man and tried to give him the hot dog they just bought out of the store, this person got upset because the person didn't give him money.

I've ridden by a man standing on the median with his sign of woe and collecting money but when he turns around you can see the hypodermic in his back pocket. Apparently he didn't keep the needle in it or it would have poked him in the arse with each step.

Even my husband knew a lady that panhandled and made a couple hundred bucks a day.. back in the 1980's. That's more than we make right now. That's more than we pay the kids. And we pay tax on our money she and those like her don't.

So, when I see that man sitting there and those twinges of guilt come fluttering by, as if to remind me I'm being selfish... I know it is not just because we aren't financially set but I think even if we were better off financially I wouldn't hand him money because of those that came before him.... "Ah come on," I tell myself, "He's not them.. he's hungry."

Then as weather warmed up I noticed he was sitting on a cooler with a soda in hand. I didn't have money for a soda. Still.. that guilt wouldn't go away. I mean, come on.. I do, even if less frequently get a Starbucks. He's entitled to a soda. Especially in the hot sun.

The last time I felt bad was when my husband said, "Look at him!!" and there the man sat atop his cooler, soda on the ground next to him and he was fanning a stack of bills. He was holding in his hand a bigger stack of money than I ever have in my own hands in a month.

Well, okay.. we get paid by check, I deposit it and then pay bills and pray I can pay our bills. But I never have money in my pocket anymore. My husband wants me to keep twenty dollars in my pocket for emergency but I don't have the twenty bucks for that and I'm feeling guilty because I keep passing this man and not helping him?

When I saw that money in this man's hands I decided once and for all that I would never feel guilty again. I would continue with my plan of sending what money or other donation I am able to to places that will help more than just one person. Cancer research, a homeless shelter.. anything but not the person on the corner. Not when it feels too much like a scam to take money from people and not all of them can afford to give a man money when he won't help himself.

Many years ago I had been reading the blog of a young man at the end of his college career and seemed to have the potential to become a promising attorney. The last post of his that I read, I believe was the topic of Fox News and how he had gone so far as to use parental controls on his MOTHER'S television to block all Fox News channels. The majority of his posters were in agreement while I was appalled and no longer read his blog. Or perhaps I stuck around long enough to see if there was an explination.

I didn't exactly delve into this Fox News controversy then. At the time I thought he didn't want his mom watching shows that were gossip shows about actors. I had never paid attention to it really but for a new attorney didn't he understand his mother PAID for her television viewing. How on earth was it hurting her to watch it? And just when did the children tell the parents what television programming they could watch? And somehow freedom of speech was involved... and probably a slew of other freedoms he was denying his mother. You get the idea.. Just who IS this young man to determine what his mother can watch?

And I left it alone. Fox News became little more than .. "huh?" You mean that channel Judge Judy is on? Fox News is again being talked about. Just what IS going on with this news channel? I must see.

One thing that came up was Glen Beck. I watched it. I sacrificed myself. Insert considerable coughing here. Oh, very interesting. He's speaking of a green czar that is communist? Oh puh-lease.. now I understand why people don't like Fox News. Look at the trash they are allowing to be spewed. So I looked it up and I found information on Wiki's and other sites and found out that there was truth behind what this Glen Beck person said. Does the President know this??

In short order this man stepped down from his position and I continued to watch Glenn Beck and Fox News. I found a place where Obama isn't God.. he's a person that isn't perfect. However, he is president and those imperfections have a way of touching us and those we love.

I don't get all of my news from Fox. To get your information from one place is getting a rather biased view. I do watch other news, I do read from news sites on the internet. I do try to verify what I find to be absurd. However, I find it rather interesting that I never actually watched the Fox News station until this administration started to speak negatively about it. In fact, I had always thought, as in that person's blog that the Fox News they spoke of was the news on the Fox station that also ran The Simpsons and Judge Judy.

Glenn Beck can't be said to be news. He speaks his opinion. That's what columnists do, that's what WE do! It is not wrong, it is not bad and one could say that Glenn Beck's opinions aren't wrong.. they're HIS opinion and nobody has to agree. You don't have to believe him, you don't have to listen to him. And in fact, that is the stance people always took with someone merely speaking their mind. Right?
...Unless ..of course...
What that person, in this case, Beck, is saying is hitting too close to home. Then every time I hear something come out of the current administration that is negative about Fox I think of that old saying.. Shakespear.. okay, I just realized I can't remember it verbatum.. but .. "me thinks thou dost protest too much."

There was a field trip. I looked forward to it but her mother signed up to go. On the Thursday before the field trip called my son to see if she was for certain going because I needed her to get the money to me.. $14.00, so I could send it into school. I.. don't pay for Crystal. I.. Did.

My son had the audacity to tell me to go ahead and send the money in. Okay, at first I heard him ask.. then I heard the voice of a femaie and he said, "Just pay it she'll pay you on Friday when she gets her paycheck."

He apologized the next day and explained he was getting it from both sides because she was yammering at him basically for me to just pay it.

The field trip was last Wednesday.. what day was that? The 18th or something. Kiddo got sick and started to miss school on Tuesday. The timing of her dad working was okay and my husband was here which was good because I was in the middle of a prep for a colonoscopy. Plus, this comes after me being sick for two days following flu and pneumonia shots.

By Wednesday, the day after the procedure, I was inordinately beat. Four days with no food.. and the unpleasantry of the procedure left me needing a bit of recoup time but Kiddo was sick the next day too.. this time with a fever as well. So she missed the field trip.

Her mother.. her MOTHER went to the field trip anyway. I really could have used the day off but the Kiddo was sick and had to stay somewhere. During the day of the field trip the mother called me and asked me if the Kiddo was sick.

It was one of those stare at the phone moments.. did I just hear that? Then, as if correcting herself she asked if she had the sniffles. I answered her, vague and with as few words as possible because I know this girl, this was either a fishing expedition.. something. It lacked something and I can't place my finger on it. I tend to go with my gut and answer as little as possible when something sets my internal alarms off.

I asked my husband that day why did he think Crystal went on the field trip? I know what I thought and I needed ONE person to tell me I'm wrong. He believed it was to make herself look good to the teacher. That's what I thought.

Needless to say she never paid me back. The school paid me back the Kiddo's part of the field trip but ultimately I paid for the mother to go.

Then when I went to pick the kiddo up from school the teacher was telling me how nice it was of the mother to go ahead and go on the field trip. She further told me how worried she was about the Kiddo...

I didn't say anything beyond, agreeing it was nice of her to go and that I paid for it. I had no idea what to say. My dad always told me that if I have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all. He didn't tell me how to respond in such circumstances! That was the best I could respond with since the teacher said it more than once.

I told her dad what the teacher said and my other son was sitting there. It was going to be kindof a.. "I'm wrong for thinking it wierd that Crystal went" thing and for thinking it sucked. But my son's both said.. basically.. and I'm not quoting verbatum.. "her daughter is sick and she's at the field trip, that's wrong."

So I'm not alone in thinking it was just wrong. I did not take it far enough to ask if he figured she pulled the wool over the teacher's eyes... after all, the teacher only knows what she sees. One can't blame the teacher other than.. does she know this mother's sick daughter was taken care of by an almost equally sick grandmother?? Oh, no the teacher doesn't know I was sick.. neither does my son because I didn't want him to worry. And.. technically all that was wrong with me was a continued inability to eat very much which had left me that weak tired kindof feeling. But I wanted him to feel comfortable that his daughter would be okay while he worked.

Let me say here what I wanted to tell the teacher. "Crystal's daughter was at home with a fever that was spiking over 101 degrees. Her dad came home from work and took her to the doctor and tried to arrange the appointment so Crystal could go but for some reason she couldn't make a 3:00 appointment when the field trip was over at 2:00. Yes, it was good that Crystal went to the field trip while her daughter was sick and left me to take care of her. And the woman was so worried that she only called once to ask if she was sick; as if verifying that she was home from school for a valid reason and not becauase she was worried. Never, not once did she even call and ask to talk to her sick daughter. But, yes.. it was good she went to the field trip.. on MY dime.. she can't even pay seven bucks for herself."

Mean and angry? Probably. But I don't understand it. I don't get why from the beginning she did not ASK nicely if I'd front the money instead of bitch at my son for me to pay.. like it's MY obligation. If I'm going to the field trip I pay for it. If my son is going to the field trip HE pays for it.. so it makes sense to me that if she is going I pay for it.. right? Where is the common sense in that??

I wasn't upset until the teacher was telling me how it was good that the mother went. But it's not the teacher's fault. And I don't mind that the kiddo was with me.. but if you want to say someone did a good thing.. how about her dad who, during breaks from work came in to sit with his sick daughter, or put her in the bath, take her to the doctor, worry about the young girl and probably, call to say hello and see if she feels okay when he couldn't be there and..(cause I've seen him do this before,) hold her hair out of her face while she vomits.. THAT ladies and gentleman is the one that did good not one who attended a field trip with her daughter's class.

That said, at least she didn't leave them short a chaperone.. but how GOOD and MOTHERLY would it have been to say, "Can you (who paid for this anyway) take my place so they have chaperones and I'll sit home with my daughter?" School would have had the chaperone.. she'd have done the RIGHT thing and I wouldn't be writing this.